I had been living abroad for over a year and had been home for several months, but had not seen my older brother, Stephen.  I was driving down a freeway with three little boys that I was a nanny for, when I saw this truck speed by me, that I thought was him.  I began following him, trying to get his attention, flashing lights etc…  I finally got up close enough to motion for him to pull over, which he did.  I also pulled over, got out and ran up to his truck as he got out, he was facing the other way.  As he turned around, I reached out to give him a big hug yelling STEPHEN!!!  As my arms started to envelop him, I realized it wasn’t him.  He was looking at my horrified.  I stopped and said “You are not who I thought you were.”  I then hurried back to my car which by now was filled with the gleeful laughter of three little boys.

Lea – OK

Kanye West makes another embarrassing and awkward blunder. I feel sorry for Mike Meyers having to be associated with him.

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Several years ago I went on a trip to The Netherlands with a small group of friends. Towards the end of our stay we decided to check out a very old church from the inside by attending a service. I might as well mention here that we were a group of energetic, college-aged Americans.

We were late. We were under dressed. We were the only young people in the room. And every head turned as my friends noisily took their seats and tried to figure out what the heck we were all supposed to be doing. Everything was in Dutch. My friends were whispering louder than most people talk and that got us even more dirty looks from the old people. After fumbling to keep up with a few hymns and reading aloud in unison, it looked like we were finally going to get to sit down for awhile.  Except that I couldn’t sit, something was wrong with my bench and I had to perpetually kneel on the prayer stool at a weird angle.  My friend Rick, who apparently does not have a healthy reverence for the house of God, thought this would be the ideal time to find out exactly how ticklish I was. Let me tell you now that my tickle-tolerance is a below zero. My side and my knee were attacked and I had to bite my lip and draw blood to keep from making an even bigger scene. My whispered pleas and threats were disregarded, and by this time the priest was making eye contact with me. I didn’t know priests were even capable of giving “the look” but this guy certainly was. I don’t know what was worse: the fact that I was making a scene against my will or the fact that none of my friends seemed to think anything was amiss. Now it was time for communion.

I shuffled into the line and tried to see ahead and figure out what I was supposed to do. But Dutch people are very tall. And I couldn’t even see past the person in front of me. Too soon I was standing in front of the priest. I only had movies to guide me. I had watched actors hold out their hands to receive the bread, but I’d also watched them open their mouths and receive wafer deposits. I hesitated, and like an idiot opened my hands up AND my mouth. The priest looked at me funny and placed the wafer in my hand. I didn’t even bother with the wine.

By this time the priest and I were on track to start dating with the amount of times I attracted his gaze, getting blamed for my friends’ insensitive behavior. The service finally closed but to my great horror the priest stationed himself at the only exit and was shaking hands. The door was not very wide, but I was so mortified by this point and did NOT want to look this guy in the eyes again, so I put my head down and walked past him as fast I could. So much for sightseeing.

Liz the American

Years ago I was driving through Minnesota with a van full of friends, many of whom were foreigners. We stopped at a convenience store and the clerk could not understand my friend’s New Zealand accent when she was asking for water. She tried two or three times.

I jumped in to translate. “She wants water,” I laughed. And since we had so many accents flying around, I put on an exaggerated Texan drawl and said “She’s not from ’round these parts.”

Inexplicably, the Minnesotan man looked up with an icy stare and said, “Don’t make fun of the way we talk, sir.” In my confusion, I think I might have apologized.

Jason – OR

I was window shopping in a crowded downtown a few days after Christmas with one of my girlfriends.  The streets were still decorated with Christmas lights and wreaths, everyone was in a good mood because of the sales, and there was snow on the ground.  Suddenly I saw what I thought at first must be a mirage: It was a tiny old man, smaller than most midgets.  He had a long gray beard that flowed over his round belly, and–get this–he was wearing a green and red jogging suit with matching red earmuffs.  Even though I was 29 and had been raised without believing in Santa, for one magical moment I was convinced he was one of Santa’s elves on vacation after the busy Christmas season.  I pointed, loudly crying “Look!  An elf!” before starting down the street after him.  The tiny man took one terrified look at me and bolted across the street, disappearing into a crowd of shoppers.  Everyone was looking at me like I was absolutely nuts, and my friend was embarrassed.  I felt really bad for frightening the poor guy, but I still maintain that if you are tiny and look like an elf, you really have no business deceiving the childlike at heart by wearing red and green around the holidays.

Rachel – NH

Remember Stanly? My 50 year old boss who wanted to share a full-sized bed with me? He is a fountain of awkward situations.

One day, we were driving to work in his blue 15 passenger van, and he suddenly pulled into the parking lot of a church. It was a friday afternoon, I think. Stanly knew that my wife and I were looking for a church to attend, and he thought he could help me out.

We were greeted by the receptionist who asked if she could help us with anything. Stanly asked if one of the pastors was in. One of them was, so the lady went and brought him to us. It was about that time that I realized that Stanly clearly didn’t know anyone at this church, and nobody knew Stanly. The receptionist clearly didn’t recognize him, and there was no look of recognition on the pastor’s face when he walked in the room either. I began to wonder what we were doing there, until Stanly made it painfully clear to me. He says to the pastor, “Mike here is looking for a church. He is a real nice guy, he’s been to Bible school and he’s looking for opportunities to serve… maybe you have a position open for him to come and join you guys here.” The pastor looked at me, and I looked at him and tried to communicate with my eyes that I had no idea what Stanly was talking about. Maybe he got the message because he kindly suggested that I attend a few services and get to know some people before trying to join their staff.  Needless to say, I haven’t been back.

Mike – Calgary, AB

By this time I had been single for a few years and had a friend that I was very interested in.  My daughters also wanted me to take this friendship to a new level. One day I had this friend over for dinner. After dinner we were enjoying a little small talk. One of my daughters asked me if I knew a phone number of one of her friends. I took out my cell phone and was scrolling down looking for her friend’s name and I came across “mom”.  ”Why do I have your mom’s phone number in my cell phone?” I asked. I read the number out loud. When I got to the final digit I realized that the number was the person’s sitting across the table.
Even though they did not admit it, I knew one of my girls had messed with my cell phone.

Rather Not Say – Somewhere

In high school I was very quick to talk and slow to think.  Once, I was riding in a car with friends, and we started talking about adoptions.  I came up with the not-so-brilliant idea that adopted children could never have the same level of relationship with their parents as biological children.  I said this with full confidence and began to argue with my friends.  One girl, Megan, was especially fierce in her argument with me.  I repeated my points and supporting ideas, talking louder and faster.  And then it happened.  Megan said, “Micah, I’m adopted!”  Then we went silent.  And yes, it was an awkward silence.  A man with a theory is always at the mercy of a man with an experience.

I was wrong.

Micah the Admin

Walking into a executive building at 17 years old, only for the purpose of wandering the halls to look for the office that does the free pregnancy tests is awkward enough in itself. After finding the office and meeting with the nice counselor, I was sent to the ladies room to get a “sample.” Since the ladies room was downstairs I had to go back out of the office, into the hallway and then down the large spiral staircase which was located in the center of the building, the one that everyone used. Carrying my clear plastic cup was easier to conceal than it would be coming back up. Exiting the restroom, starting back up the stairs, there was no hiding the see-through 6 oz. cup of liquid which loudly indicated dehydration. It was at least 3/4 full. The worst part came about 15 seconds later and I am pretty sure it happened in slow motion. That’s how I remember it anyway. As I began to lose balance, I panicked at the thought of spilling some of the contents. In trying to balance the cup, I lost further control of not only myself but also the cup which flew into the air and eventually landed.  I am sure the counselor thought that I must have left since it took me several trips to the bathroom, realizing that I still needed more brown paper towels. Avoiding eye contact with anyone, I finished cleaning and carried my empty cup back into the office. After explaining to her what happened, she took the empty cup from me, looked inside it and responded cheerfully, “Oh this will be enough. We only need a drop.”

Cally – Texas

When I was a preteen I went skinny dipping with my older sister and a friend at the PUBLIC town boat dock in broad daylight.  I felt safe as I was clutching my suit and a floating inner tube figuring that if anyone came I could slip into my suit without anyone being the wiser.  A boat approached us and slowed as if to pull up to the dock.  No problem, I’ll just duck into the tube and slip into my suit, I thought.  Hmmm, I’d never tried to put on a wet suit with one arm before.  It was an impossible task and the boat was drawing closer and closer.  I shot out of the water and up the bank to hid behind some trees where I finally got that dang suit on but not before they saw my white tush streak up the bank I’m sure!

I don’t think I’ve ever heard the end of that one and my skinny dipping days were over before they really even began.  The boat wasn’t even stopping to dock, they had only slowed because they saw swimmers.  Oh, my aching pride.

Kate – NH