In first grade I was friends with a girl that we will call Candice. First grade. We went to the same school pretty much for the next nine years and never spoke to each other. I’d see her in passing and would hear random bits about her, but that’s it. One night when I was a sophomore in high school the phone rang. My dad answered, “who? Candice? Micah, it’s for you. It’s someone named Candice White.” My dad smiled at me in a sort of wink wink way. I wondered why on earth Candice White would be calling me. She had become popular and was in a serious/crazy relationship with a guy in the very popular jock crowd and only just recovering from another crazy/serious relationship with another guy just like him. Everyone knew about it. I took the phone anyway, held my breath and answered. “Ummm…hi?”

“Hey, Micah,” she said with a way too excited peppy voice.

“Hi.”

“Do you know who this is?”

“Yes. What’s going on?”

“I just wanted to talk.”

“Ummm…ok. Why are you calling me?”

“I was just thinking that we should start talking.”

“Ok…”

Realizing this was some strange attempt at asking me out, I went on to explain to her that I was intentionally not dating anyone and not going to. I had my heart set on Beth the Other Admin already. She responded with a few more sentences about how we should talk more. We never talked. We should just say “hey” and stuff in the hallways at school. Whatever. I said, “Ok…I guess.” The awkwardness continued for a month or two after this. We would see each other in the halls at school and say “hey” or “hi.” I tried to smile, but it was always a little creepy, and I was always slightly afraid of her two angry yet very cool jock boyfriends.

Micah the Admin

Oh, hahaha, oh my godness I can’t believe I forgot about this one, your shorts post made me remember it for some reason….!
When my boyfriend and I started going out we used to stay in one another’s house alternate weekends but we worked different shifts so one Saturday morning he left for work and I stayed at home in bed, later I got up and got in the shower and was just showering away, la-de-da….bit of lemon shower gel, washing my hair, ho hum and I heard the front door open, ok, that’s cool, he’s home already or forgot something or some such thing. So I’m still showering away and I hear someone come up the stairs, potter around the hall a bit and then push the bathroom door open, next thing….(oh I wish so bad I could do the voice because that was the funniest thing about this) I hear HIS DAD going…..’Hulloo-ooh’…I was like…..’What the hell Brian, it’s Tanya….!’(It’s cool we had an opaque shower curtain) and he’s like ‘Oh, is that you dear’(his parents are quite old his dad was in his seventies at the time) …so I’m like ‘Uh…YEAH, IT IS ME… TANYA…. IN THE SHOWER’ …..’Oh, ok then dear’ and disappears…..flip sake, I get out, I can hear them downstairs, I get dried, dressed go downstairs and sitting on the sofa is a pile of the clothes I was wearing the night before I had left in the kitchen to put in the washing machine, all folded in a neat pile, like , my stockings, skirt, underwear etc. and his Mum is in the kitchen doing the dishes. Oh. My. Ground. Swallow. Me. Now. O_O

Tanya – Belfast

For as long as I can remember I have hated the word fiancee, so when my boyfriend and I got engaged I would never use it it just always sounded too frooffy or something and after we’d been going out so long I hated saying boyfriend because it made me feel like a little kid or something….so I got into the habit of calling him my partner which also felt weird so I eventually just started calling him my husband. I started driving lessons one day and as we were driving around I was chatting to the instructor, just small talk but I said something like ‘Oh yes my husband and I go there/went there…’ or some such thing, instead of the conversation moving on he becomes really interested in the fact I am “married” and asks me ‘oh when did you get wed?’ ….in a split second I weigh up the situation and instead of saying oh we’re not married yet I just call him that, I blurt out oh about seven noths ago(!!!!?????), does he drop it……NO. Oh where did you get married? I’m like oh emm….we got married in (aaaaahhhh what I am thinking!?) Spain, it was very small, intimate……(oh God please, PLEASE stop asking me about my imaginary wedding!!)…..then he says – What did you wear??!!! – What the hell…what did I wear!! Why is this fifty year old driving instructor asking me what I wore to my non-existant wedding??? It’s too late to go back now so I’m like oh just a lovely dress, a vintage lace dress, it was very nice….dah dah, dah. So ok, I’m rationalising this, it’s a bad situation but he’s just my driving instructor it’s not like he knows me or knows I’m a completely insane wedding fabricator!! …..but of course, what do you know….he then asks me what my boyfriend does, I tell him, he asks his name, I tell him!!!…..and LO AND BEHOLD….he says…’Oh yes, I know him, my friend So-andso goes ski-ing with him(WHY!!?? WHY!!??)….I’m fully freaking out now I’m like oh yeah? Really – wow….cool! The next week he comes and picks me up for the next lesson and starts talking about my boyfriend, his friend etc. I can’t hold out any longer with the fear of him finding out so I pull over the car and I’m like, listen William, I’ve got something to tell you….and I fess up to the whole ridiculous lie going way out of control….he is absolutely laughing his head off, he thinks this is hilarious and assures me that it’s no big deal….I on the other hand go home analysing my very psyche and tell my boyfriend who’s like….oh for God sake not again, you told the ambulance drivers when your scooter crashed(I had crashed my lovely purple vespa about five months prior) that I was your husband and when I arrived they asked me ‘Are you her husband?’ and I said ‘No I’m her boyfriend’………..people are going to start thinking you’re unstable!
Oh my goodness I swear – I *really* hope I’m not the only one who does crazy stuff like this….O_o

Tanya – Belfast

The first Valentines my boyfriend and I had togther we were working in the same place. He was my manager. I had spent the whole day banging on about how comercialised it was etc. etc. so he didn’t get me anything until that afternoon when the other girls in work cajoled him into going to the chemist across the road and getting me some gifts. So he came back with a box of make up that I use but in the wrong colour. The next day I go to the chemist to change the makeup, it has a makeup section and there’s a queue of women behind me when I get to the till. I tell the woman at the counter I need to change the colour of the foundation and so on…..she takes the box and with a big smile says loudly, “Oh, yes lovely, I remember that man coming in yesterday….and didn’t he get you perfume as well?”
I gave a frozen smile and was like, “um no actually, he didn’t.” She went bright red and became really flustered and quickly changed the foundation while stammering about how she must have it wrong and how busy it was the day before. Embarrassed enough I try to leave when another woman working there shouts from the other counter “Oh Mandy, *chuckle, chuckle* are you getting people in trouble again?!” and has a good laugh with the women in the queue. By this point my anger has reached epic proportions, and I’m storming over to work to confront my poor boyfriend who had to spend a whole day convinceing me he didn’t buy perfume for anyone else with reciept proof and an offer to ring all the numbers in his phone….I felt awful – but it just goes to show how easily you can get someone in trouble with an innocent remark!

Tanya – Belfast

Hahaha….oh dear I can nearly not write this I’m laughing so hard. When I very first started dating my boyfriend, in the first month he came to visit my house. I worked really long hours so I don’t mean to make excuses, but housekeeping was not my forte. I knew he was coming back that night, and I had a massive pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Desperate, I lifted them all and put them into a plastic laundry box and covered them with a bath towel and ran out to work. Later that night we came back home and were sitting in the living room. I had a miniature rabbit and would let it run about in the house sometimes. Somehow the rabbit had deposited a pile of little pellets(as they do) on the table beside him(it was level with the sofa and it would jump about on the chair when I was sitting there. It must have happened earlier that day when I was drying my hair, and I hadn’t noticed) So we’re sitting there with glasses of wine and he’s in the middle of talking when he suddenly stops and says, “Is that rabbit poop on your table?”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to literally spontaneously combust. He’s like “Oh my God” in this incredulous tone and gets up to go wash his hands in the kitchen. Now this would have been cool if I had just let him wash his hands, but in a panic about the hidden dishes I jump up and shout “Please don’t go in the kitchen!” He stops dead and looks puzzled/amused so I jump in front of him (he can’t see rabbit poop and hidden dirty dishes in the same night) But me being about eight stone and him being about 18 stone he marches on into the kitchen. I’m fully freaking out at this point. He’s finding it quite amusing trying to figure out what I’m hiding, and he spots the plastic box. I watch in horror as he lifts the towel with a thumb and forefinger to reveal the mountain of dirty pots, pans and plates…..I almost cry with embarrassment, and he starts laughing and gives me a hug. We’ve been togther for seven years now and I am just as messy, he says that’s ok because I’m so good inside!! LoL

Tanya – Belfast

Years ago when I had first started going out with my boyfriend he, my sister and I all went out for a drink. She was pregnant at the time, so she was sober. He only had a few beers, but I decided I was going to lash a fruit bowl of daiquiris into me. At home time we ordered a taxi, and I really needed to go to the bathroom. I jumped into the car anyway thinking I could run straight into the house. We hadn’t been dating that long, and we were going back to his house which was like, ten minutes away. On the way back I got so desperate I told my sister, “Oh my God! I REALLY have to use the bathroom.” I mean, I couldn’t even concentrate to speak I was using all my will to hold it in.
Finally we got back to the house and MY SISTER being the kind soul she is started winding my boyfriend up and telling him not to let me in. The worst thing about it was that it was really quite funny. The more I tried to really seriously tell them I needed to get into the house, LIKE NOW, the more I laughed. My boyfriend not realising the extremity of the situation (there have been two other drunk wetting accidents) took the key out of his pocket and started really slowly moving it toward the lock, but it was too late. I was pretty drunk, but all I can remember is the warmth of my legs and my sister’s voice going “No, Michael, no, no, no….no, it’s too late, look what you’ve done….”
Out of sheer embarrassment, I burst out crying and refused to go into the house. He had to coax me in in my soaking wet jeans from the cold, AND THEN because I was so drunk and the jeans had become wet, I couldn’t get them off!! He had to peel them off for me in the hall, then I burst into tears and had a passionate rant about how badly they both treated me and how no-one loved me, and a whole diatribe about my childhood relationship with my mother, sobbing away while he tried to console me and my pregnant sister watched bemused. Luckily it didn’t put him off me and I was wearing her shoes and peed on them!! Haha…….unfortunately in my teenage years I have a lot of embarassing things I did under the influence, but thankfully I’ve hit grown up time, now only my big mouth gets me in trouble…..:D

Tanya – Belfast