To give some background, this story goes back to the early 70’s, when I was in elementary school.  At that time, the government subsidized a part of the public school lunches, which meant that each student had to pay less to buy his lunch. Because of that, the price for lunches was only $.60 and the small ½ pint cartons of milk were reduced to 4 cents each.  So, every day I went to school with my bag lunch and 4 cents in my pocket.

Another thing to know is that the boys’ bathroom had no doors on the stalls, just walls.  So, you always ran the risk that someone would catch you in the middle of you doing your “business”.

So, one day I was in the bathroom minding my own “business”.  All of a sudden, who should burst into the bathroom but the school bully.  Seeing me sitting there, he pulls out a knife and says, “Gimme your money!”  I replied, “Well, all I’ve got is four cents to buy milk.  Do you want that?”  Looking a bit disappointed, he said, “Nah, that’s alright.”

Then, he starts bragging as he pulls out all the change that he got from a number of other students.  He goes on telling me how much he got from whom and what he was going to do with the money.  Meanwhile, I’m just sitting there on the pot, listening to him, not feeling all that comfortable in doing what I originally purposed to do now in front of him.

Finally, feeling satisfied with sharing about his accomplishments, the bully left.  Even though I was relieved, I sat there a bit stunned for a few moments.  Then it came to me – “Oh yeah.  I gotta relieve myself.”  I finished my business and went back to class.

Joseph – DC

My sister and I were walking through town one day and we bumped into our cousin, we don’t see her often and hadn’t seen for a few months so we were all ‘Hi! Hi! How are you?? What’s happening??’ ….she lives a bit away and is married with two kids, she says to us ‘Oh I’m pregnant again’….in a disastrous split second analysation of the situation, based on her tone of voice & body language somehow, SOMEHOW, I conclude that this is not a good thing and before my lovely sister can say congratulations….I go ‘Oh no, poor you’ with this real unfortunate face and then watch myself in an out of body experience, reach forward and rub her arm sympathetically!!!!!! Ah…hahaha….oh dear SO embarrassing, she sort of went with it and was like ‘Yeah, I know’ but what the hell…she was NOT unhappy about being pregnant or having her baby! I should not be allowed near people. O_O

Tanya – Belfast

I had met my husband for a cup of coffee on my lunch break. We decided to sit outside because it was such a beautiful day. My husband bought the coffees and I quickly went to the bathroom. This particular coffee house was incredibly long from front to back and the bathrooms were in the back. I came out of the bathroom and walked the full length of this store. I proceeded outside and set in a metal chair next to my husband. As soon as I set down I felt the metal frame of the chair directly on my backside! Oh no!! I had tucked my skirt into my panties and didn’t realize it until I set on the metal chair. I had walked the full length of that coffee house which by the way was full of people with my backside showing! No one said a word to me…we left promptly:( Awkward!!!

Jan – NM

One time some co-workers and I loaded ourselves into a van and went on a 28-hour cross-country trip to see a friend of ours get married. Since I would be one of the drivers, I decided to sleep in the back bench seat. During one of the stops before I was to drive, I decided to eat some grapes, because I didn’t want to have anything upset my stomach while trying to rest. Little did I know that they would cause one of the biggest cases of gas I have ever experienced in my life.

Here I was, getting back into the van, ready to put my head down, when all of a sudden, a huge surge of gas rushed down into my lower intestine. I tensed up, and saved myself from obvious embarrassment. Seconds later, round two of gas surged into my gut. Then quickly came number three, and then number four. My lower intestine was imitating a balloon. I was getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

A few minutes later, somewhere between surge number eight and ten, I let loose a small amount of gas. Quicker than I could think, “I wonder if anyone noticed?” the guy sitting in the seat in front of me cried out, “Oh man! Who farted?!?” I had to humbly admit that it was me. It contaminated the whole van. Everyone got a whiff. So, I had to “put a cork” in it.

I was just about exploding when the van stopped to switch drivers. I had not rested at all. When we stopped, I ran for the nearest toilet. After expulsing two sonic booms, I immediately heard someone in the stall next to me get up, put on his pants, flush, and leave his stall in less than 5 seconds. Relieved, I walked slowly back to the van.

It was my turn to drive. I thought I had eliminated everything, but the gas started surging in me again. This time, I was facing the stress of driving the 15-passenger van through mountain valleys and up and down major hills, having to pass slower drivers. I couldn’t let myself get so big. Never could I put up with driving that way. So, I decided to drive down the gas into the seat, hoping it would absorb the force and the stink.

My nostrils searched for the stench. They found none. I got a little bolder. My seat received surge number two. Still no stink. Going up an uphill curve, my groin got fat, and again I made my seat my victim. Amazingly, I smelled nothing. As I continued to freely pass gas, reality finally hit me. About the fifth or sixth time, I just about died at the wheel because the smell was so bad. And then it suddenly dawned on me – NO ONE was resting, no one was reading, no one listening to music, and no one was chatting with anyone. I looked through the rear-view mirror. They were all looking at me, with angry looks on their faces, especially the girls. Apparently, I smelled nothing those other times because the vent blew the stink into the faces of everybody else sitting behind me. Humiliated, I had to hold it for the next couple of hours of driving.

At the next stop, I let loose my last blast, and outside it still stunk. If you had asked me why I didn’t take anything to eliminate the gas, I would have told you, “I have no idea.” I went into the fast food place, and ate a big burger meal. Surprisingly, my gas stopped. I had no more for the rest of the entire trip. Go figure.

Joe – MD

Remember Stanly? My 50 year old boss who wanted to share a full-sized bed with me? He is a fountain of awkward situations.

One day, we were driving to work in his blue 15 passenger van, and he suddenly pulled into the parking lot of a church. It was a friday afternoon, I think. Stanly knew that my wife and I were looking for a church to attend, and he thought he could help me out.

We were greeted by the receptionist who asked if she could help us with anything. Stanly asked if one of the pastors was in. One of them was, so the lady went and brought him to us. It was about that time that I realized that Stanly clearly didn’t know anyone at this church, and nobody knew Stanly. The receptionist clearly didn’t recognize him, and there was no look of recognition on the pastor’s face when he walked in the room either. I began to wonder what we were doing there, until Stanly made it painfully clear to me. He says to the pastor, “Mike here is looking for a church. He is a real nice guy, he’s been to Bible school and he’s looking for opportunities to serve… maybe you have a position open for him to come and join you guys here.” The pastor looked at me, and I looked at him and tried to communicate with my eyes that I had no idea what Stanly was talking about. Maybe he got the message because he kindly suggested that I attend a few services and get to know some people before trying to join their staff.  Needless to say, I haven’t been back.

Mike – Calgary, AB